I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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