Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
