someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
