im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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