i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
