ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
