My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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