I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
