new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
