does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
