I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
