Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
