Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
