I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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