im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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