Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
