If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
