I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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