Don't make out with my wife yet
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
