i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
