One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
