I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
