Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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