Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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