Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
