I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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