i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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