im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
