I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
