You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
