"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
