you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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