Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
