Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
