Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize