he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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