Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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