just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
