Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
high people should be assigned attendants
this boner is exhausting
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
