I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
