My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
