I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
