Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
