dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
worst night to have a conscience
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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