Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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