decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize