I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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