Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
