all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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