I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
