hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
