How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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