I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
