I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
