Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
