I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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