Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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