I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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